Stop being a Cincinnati Sports Fan For One Goddamn Second About Jurgen Locadia

Chief War Pig

Let’s get one thing clear: I want Jurgen Locadia to score fuckloads of goals.

I know Lil’ Nij X hyped the guy all up when he was signed, assuring us he’d score more goals than Josef Martinez this year (apparently Nijkamp the Younger had enough foreseight to see Martinez’s ACL exploding, but not enough to stop whoever that fucking dude was from eating a bat over the winter...but I digress). He was presented as the answer to FC Cincinnati’s offensive woes after previous striker Fanendo Adi proved more adept at finding the back of a cop car than he did finding the back of the net. Finally, we were going to have a true target man striker. Beyond stoked. We had people drive to CVG and pay airport parking rates on Super Bowl Sunday to actually welcome the dude to Cincinnati. I’ll bet some of those people even bought $5 sodas or a $6 bag of snacks from the Hudson News while waiting for his plane to arrive. People were fired up for him to be here.

But I’m out there working those internet streets (note: this is not a hooker joke, so don’t @ The Plastics and get me in Internet Trouble™). Seven matches in, The Loca Grumbling has already started. You know you’ve seen it. The talk that his inability to finish and score goals is a permanent thing. That he has lost his game because he signed in Cincinnati and that’s what happens to people here. Maybe you are one of the people doing this grumbling. In which case this blog is for you.

Stop being a “Cincinnati Sports Fan” for just one goddamn minute with Loca.

For once in your fucking lives, calm down and stop with your “the sky is falling” bullshit.

Look, I get it. I’ve lived in Cincinnati for most of my life. I was here when Ki-Jana Carter shredded his knee 3 carries into his Bengals career. Kenyon Martin’s leg snapping on the eve of the NCAA Tournament? Saw it. Carson Palmer getting rolled into by a guy with the same name as a cancer treatment? Yup. Reds blowing a 2-0 lead in the playoffs? Right into my veins. Xavier and UC both getting dumped out of the tournament in the same building in back to back games? Drown my sorrows in a pile of Skyline.

I understand that life is pain when it comes to Cincinnati sports. But fucking hell, can we let Jurgen Locadia get to double-digits in matches played before we declare him to be the latest victim of some Cincinnati sports curse? He missed a sitter in the Portland match. We get it. Dude was playing in his first competitive match in months. And the complaining misses the fact that HE WAS IN POSITION TO SCORE THE GOAL. Fanendo Adi doesn’t make that run unless there’s a hot bartender with a shot of Jamison and a jingling set of car keys to lure him over. And the shot on Friday? As Bill Hamid himself pointed out, in what might be the saltiest subtweet a goalkeeper is capable of making, it’s not like Loca was shooting on an empty net. And he hit the inside of the fucking post – a couple inches further inside and things might have been amazing (also the title of every review I’d get on Yelp if my ex-girlfriends could rate me).

The point of this all this is a plea for an ounce of fucking sanity to go with your pathological sports depression. I respect planting your flag on a take early, but if you’re rushing to hop on the “Loca Sucks” or “LOL Cincinnati Sports Loca” takes, please – and I mean this with all due respect – go fuck yourself. Or be miserable online. Your choice.

Loca might end up being a bust. So what. Even the biggest clubs with massive resources occasionally fuck up a signing. Chelsea spent actual fucking money to watch Kepa Arrizabalaga stand rooted to the ground as soccer balls fly by him. Mention Angel Di Maria’s name around a Manchester United supporter at your own peril. The best way to never sign a bad player is to stop signing players. And, related to that point – the existence of one bust or one bad signing doesn’t doom every other signing. If that were the case, the entire club should’ve exploded from Tommy Heinemann’s situation for all time. And if Loca does suck, it’ll be because he’s bad at football – not because Andy Dalton couldn’t beat TJ Yates of Hell in a playoff game or because Johnny Cueto let the only sell-out crowd in Pirates franchise history get inside his head.

But the bottom line here is this: the sky isn’t fucking falling yet with Loca. So stop with the bullshit and let’s see where this goes. Trust me, I’m saving you from getting hit with RT’s on your bad takes once the goals start coming.