A Taylor Swift Song for Every FC Cincinnati Player

KP

All Cincinnati fans have stories of varying lengths about the sports heartbreak that we have come to know all too well. The ten minute version probably includes the first three FCC MLS seasons, and the one minute version is probably the Bengals losing to themselves in the 2016 playoffs. We are watching the sparks fly from each team’s  getaway car out of the woods of some really bad years. Cincinnati sports is bumping like it was in 1989 when the Bengals and Reds had adjacent championship visits. This time though we also have FC Cincinnati, and ‘tis the damn season from our wildest dreams. We can speak now about how this season is the beginning of FCC’s MLS great soccer folklore. This team is building a reputation through their fearless play. The excitement around the team is like a budding relationship with a new lover. Evermore we will be partying many midnights in celebration, dancing to Taylor Swift’s …Ready For It.

What?

People from all over the city are making Taylor Swift puns as she is performing downtown on June 30 and July 1. To join the hype between the Eras Tour and FC Cincinnati, I gave each player on the roster a Taylor Swift song. As many of her songs are break up songs, it’s important not to read too much into it. I am not ready to break up with anyone on FCC. Also, everyone on the first team roster got a song. So you might learn something new about the team. This is a shameless hype post.

Lucho Acosta - Me, Lover

He’s the only one of him, and that’s the fun of him. I am nervous that we will never find another like him. I never want to see him walk away. I know soccer is a team sport, but I feel like Acosta has the, “there ain’t no ‘I’ in team, but you know there is a, ‘me,” presence, but only in the best way. The team just plays different when he’s on the field. There is no awesome without him. Honestly though, it’s hard to give him just one song, he could be the whole tour.

London Aghedo - London Boy, Lover

Taylor Swift says she loves So Cal at the beginning of a song about a man from London. Aghedo is a man from So Cal, named London, on a team playing in the West End. If he sticks defenders like he does in his two highlight videos on YouTube, we will happily be his Queen City. Lastly, according to AllNigeriaSoccer Aghedo minored in French which like London is European.

Joey Akpunonu - 22, Red

Joey Akpunonu is turning 22 this year. If he keeps developing as a defender he will look like bad news to opposing teams’ offenses. And everything will be alright because he keeps his mark next to him.

Marco Angulo - Shake it Off, 1989

He’s the fella over there with the really cool hair who shook off some defenders on a bunch of great plays and assists this year. I am excited to watch him shake, shake, shake off more defenders as he keeps cruisin’ and can’t stop, won’t stop movin’ the team into some more great plays.

Santiago Arias - I Knew You Were Trouble, Red

I hope his mentorship helps fly his teammates to places I have never been, like in Germany, Spain, or Italy. Players are not long gone when they are next to him on defense, and the blame is on him when the other team has a bad night because of his defense. His past play should give us a good indication that we know he is trouble for opposing teams.

Dominique Badji - Bad Blood, 1989

Badji can be a problem that other teams cannot solve, and he’s just running around the league creating bad blood with other keepers. Just look at what he’s done. He made a really deep cut against Toronto’s goalie. It probably used to be mad love with the team that drafted him, the Rapids, but he gave FCC the winning goal against them earlier this year.

Álvaro Barreal - Look What You Made Me Do, Reputation

Barreal is one of a few players who could successfully play on a tilted field. He got smarter, he got harder this offseason. His name is in red underlined by opposing coaches, and if they don’t check him once and they don’t check him twice he’s going to score exactly like he did against Pittsburgh. It was the best goal by an Argentinian this century.

Aaron Boupendza - Welcome to New York Cincinnati, 1989

Welcome to Cincinnati, it’s been waiting for you.

Roman Celentano - Style, 1989

One time I saw him walking around downtown in an oversized Ralph Lauren sweatshirt that had a Teddy Bear wearing a USA hockey jersey on it. Ralph Lauren, Teddy Bears, and USA hockey jerseys are as classic as red lipstick. More importantly though, when he goes crashing down on the ball, he comes back every time. He probably had a James Dean look in his eye after his basketball style block against Columbus.

Isaiah Foster - Long Live, Speak Now

Isaiah Foster has not played in a first team FCC match this year yet, but when he does we are going to remember the moment. He’s just 19, so he has a lot of upside and if he has any plays like the goal he had when he played for Colorado Springs against Tulsa, then the crowd is going to go wild and make him feel like a king of the Queen City.

Ray Gaddis - Never Grow Up, Speak Now

He tucks in his shirt before his favorite night lights come on. He won’t let nobody hurt his teammates. He won’t stand for other people burning his teammates or let anyone leave them scarred. He will happily take a head butt for his teammates because this is why FCC brought him out of retirement.

Nick Hagglund - Out of the Woods, 1989

When Nick Hagglund is in the back with Matt Miazga, I don’t have to question if we are in the clear because I know we are in the clear, now, good. He turns other teams offensive monsters into trees. It makes it all seem so simple. Also, I am hopeful he looks at Cincinnati like it’s not in black and white, but in screaming color.

Bret Halsey - Ours, Speak Now

He played twice last week. He can get a song too. It was one of the surprise songs in Arlington, and he is from Virginia. On his Instagram he said he had heart surgery about two years ago, but he kept working at it and made his first MLS start last weekend. So the stakes have been high, and the water has been rough, but he got to live out the success of all his hard work.

Stiven Jimenez - A Place in this World, Taylor Swift

He’s just a Stiven, trying to find his place in this world and on this team. He might know what he wants, and he’ll be strong. He made his first MLS appearance on Saturday, and he’s probably ready to fly now. Also though, do you think child labor laws are the same for him as they are for teenagers working at Kings Island? Now that he’s 16, can he work after 9pm?

Alec Kann - You Need To Calm Down, Lover

The shots are coming at him like a missile. Kann, you just stop all the goals. He could also handle it if they were taking shots like it’s Patrón. Again Kann, you just stop all the goals. (To the best of my knowledge he is not being homophobic on the internet though. So this song is really only here for the shot and the can/Kann puns.)

Yuya Kubo - Bejeweled, Midnights

He’s bejeweled, and when he walks on the field he makes the rest of the team shimmer. I really enjoy watching Kubo play. His footwork has him dancing around the field all night. It’s always time for him to teach the other team some lessons.

Evan Louro - Christmas Tree Farm

From the vibes he puts out, it seems like his heart is an all year round Christmas Tree Farm. He probably gives his teammates hugs that helps remind them of home (Brenner, Celantano, etc). I hope every soccer wish of his comes true.

Matt Miazga - Blank Space, 1989

This song is supposed to be a little unhinged and frankly so is Matt Miazga. He does incredible things sometimes with magic and sometimes with madness. He loves playing the game. He’s a nightmare for other teams. And he has a long list of other players, who might call him insane, but he starts with a blank space, and if you mess with him, he’ll write your name.

Junior Moreno - Starlight, Red

Watching him play is a marvelous tune. The comeback in Chicago was not quite the best night, but I won’t forget how Moreno moved. He scored early, but then we gave up three goals late in the first half. When he scored late to tie it, all the FC Cincinnati fans and players were dancing like they were made of starlight.

Yerson Mosquera - Cruel Summer, Lover

It’s a cruel summer watching him play knowing that at some point he’s going to get called back to the Wolves. His play looks so pretty, but he looks like a devil to other teams. The Wolves are going to break our soccer hearts. (I tried really hard to make You Belong With Me work, but inevitably Mosquera will go back to the Wolves, and we should be happy for him when that happens.)

Ian Murphy - Everything Has Changed, Red

He can be a blue tall wall on defense against other teams. When the ball is in the air, he takes flight. He is a young player who has a lot of upside, and we just want to get to know his play better as he continues to develop.

Obi Nwobodo - Are You Ready For It, Reputation

I knew he was a killer the first time that I saw him. He’s stealing the ball and running off, and never saying sorry. Some players try hard to be as good as him, and he doesn’t have to try that hard to be better than them.

Arquimides Ordoñez - New Romantics, 1989

He knows when he’s on offense that sometimes he needs to hang back because scoring is all in the timing. He also knows sometimes you need to move and be too busy dancing to get knocked off his feet. He’s the new romantics, and he doesn’t let the lights and noise blind him. Also, either the FCC website is out of date, or there’s some sort of obscure MLS roster rule why he is not on the website.

Malik Pinto - The Archer, Lover

Pinto is ready for whatever we need him to do. Sometimes in the game he is the archer, shooting passes to his teammates, and sometimes he’s the prey, evading the other team. In the midfield, he searches for the dark side of the other team so he can set up the offense for success.

Alvas Powell - Best Days of Your Life, Kellie Pickler ft Taylor Swift

Alvas Powell was there, in the back of the Front Office’s mind. He played for FCC in 2019, was selected by Inter Miami in the expansion draft, and played for a few other teams. From the day he met FCC to last night, there’s been a lot of ups and downs. But here’s hoping that both Powell and FCC haven’t had the best days of their lives/careers/what ever you call the life or career of a professional sports team. Also, he averages 1.48 blocks per game.

Sergio Santos - long story short, evermore

He is so fast that he runs right past the other team. The other team’s defenders will defeat themselves before he gets a chance to swing. He is like the glimmer of a comet in the sky.

Gerardo ‘Dado’ Valenzuela - End Game, Reputation

Dado is young, and was only signed to the first team about a month ago. In the few plays I watched of his on YouTube his footwork is super impressive. I want him to be on the A Team. I want him to grow and develop into an end game player.

Brandon Vazquez - Lover, Lover

I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees him wants him. We’ve loved him three summers now, and we want 'em all. His heart has been blue - both for USMNT and FCC - and we love all the goals he scores for FCC and US.

Paul Walters - Dancing in the Dark/Livin’ on a Prayer Cover

He’s a homegrown keeper. And he’s halfway there to the MLS, as he’s made starts for FCC2. And he’s living on a prayer he will make it to the first team and start a great career in the next few seasons. And we’re hoping that he becomes a fire from a spark.

Sorry if I forgot anyone. The FCC roster is wrong on their website and so is the ESPN roster.

Also:

Pat Noonan - the last great American dynasty, folklore

Who knows if he had never shown up what would have happened to the summer holiday house of TQL Stadium. He had a marvelous time ruining the legacy left behind by past coaches and their bad habits.

Fans From the First Two MLS Seasons - Change, Fearless

You know it's all the same. It was a miserable repeating history, but these things will change. The time will come for us to finally win.

And lastly:

Brenner - The 1, folklore

But it would have been fun. If he would have been the one.

USL Team History - This Is What You Came For, Calvin Harris ft Rihanna with uncredited vocals by Taylor Swift

Baby, this is what you came for. Just like the USL FCC set up MLS FCC for fan success, Taylor set Calvin Harris up for listener success by writing and singing some of the lyrics. Neither is getting credited though.

Frankie Amaya - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Red

Like, ever.